So, Brexit, how is it going?

Mike has secured an exclusive interview with Brexit, to try and get some insight into the process triggered by the vote on June 23.

MP: So, Brexit, how is it going?

Brexit: To be honest, I'm a bit confused.

MP: Why is that?

Brexit: Well, I know more people voted for me than didn't, so that's why I'm here.

MP: Actually only 37.4% of the electorate voted for you. That's just over 62% opposed or couldn't be bothered to vote.

Brexit: Yes, OK, but within the rules set before the referendum, the vote to leave won.

MP: Indeed it did. I didn't vote for you, but please don't rush off in a, er...Brexit.

Brexit: No - it's OK. I want to remain to talk, if you pardon the irony of me using that word. My problem is that I don't know who I am.

MP: Well Mrs May says 'Brexit means Brexit', so what's your issue?

Brexit: Well that's no more use than saying Mike means Mike. What sort of Mike? Mike Tyson? Mike Phelan? Mike Myers or even... Mike Peatman?

MP: Yes - I see your problem.

Brexit: I could be all kinds of Brexit, but I don't know which one. I could be a really hard Brexit - you know, the one that says he doesn't want any of this EU nonsense at all. No single market, no freedom of movement, negotiate all your own trade deals, and take the economic hit.

MP: But I sense you're a bit scared of that?

Brexit: It does get the Daily Express excited, which is always a bit embarrassing when you're in my position. And it also tends to attract the sort of people who just want to bash foreigners at the first opportunity, especially ones who don't have English as their first language. People just voted to leave the EU, the ballot paper didn't mention that nasty stuff.

MP: Very true. So what are the alternatives?

Brexit: I could be a Norwegian Brexit.

MP: Sounds like Monty Python's dead parrot sketch.

Brexit: No that was the Norwegian Blue - the one that was pining for the fjords. Anyway you're distracting me. I hope you're not trying to remain by the back door.

MP: Not at all - I'm trying to remain through the front door. But I want to understand you, so please continue.

Brexit: Well with Norway, it's a bit like pay and play golf. You pay a sub to take part, but you don't have all the obligations of being a member.

MP: You'd still have to wear funny clothes.

Brexit: Well there are still rules to keep, but you wouldn't be so tied in to things. You avoid having to go to the AGM and the dreadful dinner dance.

MP: There is a plus side to that, I suppose. You don't seem convinced.

Brexit: Well, I would get a lot of hassle from the Dailys Mail and Express, and some would say it would make it hardly worth leaving the EU. All the paperwork, but no power to change it.

MP: What about Scotland and Northern Ireland? They didn't vote for you.

Brexit: That's another thing. When I accepted this job, I was told this was a simple task. But they're adding all sorts of things to my job description without any vote - in Parliament or a referendum. I'm being accused of triggering another Scottish independence referendum, and I could reignite trouble in Ireland, if they have to reinstate a solid border. And the pound's sliding, and Gibraltar is scared for its future. And now I'm being blamed for proposals to register foreign workers, passports at childbirth and xenophobic violence. I never intended all of this - all Brexit should mean is...

MP: ...Brexit?

Brexit: ..leave the EU.

MP: You sound like a Remain voter.

Brexit: I'm just saying be careful what you wish for.