Personal Ordinariates: A view from Craggy Island

To be read in a strong Irish accent. Similarities with a popular Irish sitcom are purely coincidental.

D: Ted, Ted, where are you, Ted? We’re getting women!

Father Jack briefly wakes and shouts “Girls!” and various obscenities before succumbing again to the effects of drink.

T: Now what’s that you’re on about, Dougal?

D: Priests, Ted. The Holy Father is inviting the Anglicans to come, so there’ll be women everywhere, there will. I like that vicar of Dibley – you know, the nice smile, the chocolate, and all the crazy people. I’d love to have her here, I would. Mind you, she’d have to get used to not being surrounded by nutters.

T: No, no, no, you’ve got it all the wrong way round, Dougal. The women are the problem.

D: Now why would that be Ted?

T: The Holy Father is inviting the Anglican clergy who don’t want women priests and Bishops to join us.

D: Why would he do that, now, Ted?

T: That would be an ecumenical matter, Dougal.

D: Well, at least we’ll be getting a few more priests in the church, eh? We could do with a bit more help on Craggy Island. Let’s get one to say mass tomorrow and we can go on the beach or stay in and play Buckaroo.

T: Ah, there’s a problem with that, Dougal.

D: What would the problem be, now, Ted? I know where you hid the Buckaroo. I found it while I was hiding Jack’s whiskey.

Jack wakes again, yells “Drink!” and is placated with a large slug from an open bottle.

D: Back to this problem, Ted, what is it?

T: Well these Anglicans, they’re not really priests.

D: But I just thought you said they were.

T: Not exactly, Dougal. You see they think they are, but the Holy Father doesn’t.

D: So let me get this right, Ted. The Holy Father is inviting priests who aren’t really priests to become priests so that they don’t have to be with the women priests who aren’t really priests either.

Ted hesitates slightly

T: Yes, that’s about it, Dougal.

D: So why would he do that Ted?

T: That would be an ecumenical matter, Dougal.

D: But Ted.

T: (wearily) Yes Dougal.

D: These priests, who aren’t priests but want to be real priests like us.

T: Yes

D: What will happen to them?

T: Ah, well they believe they are the proper priests, unlike the women priests, so they want to be accepted by a church that has real priests, which will say that they aren’t real priests, only lay people, but is willing to ordain them to be real priests in a church that hasn’t got any women priests. It’s simple really, Dougal.

D: Who’d be a Protestant, eh Ted?

T: Ah. That would be an ecumenical matter.

Jack bursts back into life.

J: GIRLS! **** ****